Reappearance
by solofia
Summary: Post-finale. A woman sits on a park bench just like she promised she would. She awaits a reunion that will give someone she left behind the insight into the past she craves. Rated-T but leaning towards M-ish in the first chapter due to subject and language. Hinted at Scotty x Lilly.
1. Christina

**I re-watched all of Cold Case recently and felt like giving a two-shot (maybe three-shot depending on how this goes) a try. I obviously own nothing except for the time spent writing this soap opera of a fic. Post finale.**

A woman sits on a park bench just like she promised she would, clutching a book she is too nervous to read. What was she thinking? She hadn't been there for years, keeping in touch only by a monthly phone call and a birthday card. Any second the person she'd gathered the courage to face could sit next to her and unleash god knows what emotions, but whenever she thinks it's going to be in that second, it becomes the next one, and the next one, and the one after that-

"Christina Rush?"

She's startled by a voice coming from behind her. She takes a deep breath and tries to compose herself as best as she can before slowly turning her head.

She spots a scrawny 12 year old girl (almost 13 she adds in her head) with shoulder length blonde hair, wavy but nowhere near the ringlets she had the last time she'd seen her. She's wearing a blue t-shirt and denim shorts with converse, that unbeknownst to her, were the result of many outfit changes until she ran out of time to keep switching. She notices what seems like the strap of a training bra peeking from the neck hole of the shirt, another glaring reminder of all that she has missed. Her blue eyes are as big as saucers, inspecting her from behind a pair of purple rimmed glasses. She spots an identical pair of blue eyes far back near a coffee Kart, both focused on her.

"Yes." She can't think of more to say until she notices the other pair of blue eyes turn away to give them privacy. She thanks them silently, feeling a couple bars of pressure lift from her.

"You must be Masie. Please sit down." She scoots a bit to her left even despite there having been enough room for the girl already.

Christina analyses the girl's body language who seems hesitant for only a fraction of a second before sitting next to her and lifting her eyes to her face. She doesn't see the Ice Queen glare she feared she might encounter but nevertheless notes a bit of a guard to her. The girl inspects her face with at first curiosity, then confusion and bursts of quick amazement as she recognizes some of her features. Clasping her hands in her lap to complement the guarded staring she begins to speak, almost to herself.

"You must be my mother."

 _Yep, that's me. Is she angry about that? Surprised? Holding a grudge? She said it so quietly I could barely pick up on anything… Dammit Lil she's just as hard to read as you!_

"You are correct." _If I smile slightly will she return it? I'm doing it… She didn't respond, this conversation will go great! Calm down Christina, you're the adult and she was the one that had been asking about you for months, she must be more interested in hearing you talk than talking to you. I need an ice breaker, what do 12 year old girls like?_

"So how's School? Do you have lots of friends? Any boys around? What's your favorite subject? Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? What sort of things do you like? Pizza? Teen music? Horror movies? Horses?" _Teen music? How old am I? And where the hell did horses come from? She's a Rush we're not horse people!_

 _Great she's not reacting, good going Christina you've scared her away already! Couldn't you ask her for a kidney while you were a-_

"My favorite subject is Math. I think it is very elegant how it can describe basically anything. I did a project on Fractals at science camp this summer." _She's talking to me!_ _Math, I knew that, science camp too… what the hell is a fractal?"_

"A fractal is an abstract object used to describe and simulate naturally occurring objects."

 _Great she noticed how dumb I am._

"Mo- Aunt Lilly said school wasn't your forte. I guess I didn't take after you there." _She's too right about the school thing for me to feel offended but did she just correct herself? It's sweet of her but I don't want her to keep doing it the rest of the day, she'll let one "Mom" slip and feel bad._

"You can call her mom you know? Aunt Lilly? She did most of the work raising you, she deserves the title more than I do." _She's not looking at me anymore, did I make her uncomfortable?_

"I guess I just don't really know what to call you." _Oh no, she's tension-shrugging, why did I put her in this situation?_

"You can call me anything from my name to mommy dearest, I'm fine with it." _…I'm also fine with being called Mom but I don't have the right to ask that of her… Godammit woman don't get started on that shit now!_

"That's one of my favorite movies." _She's looking at you again. Great she smiled at you! We have the same dimples, I'd forgotten that, how did I forget that?_

"I tend to favor even older movies though, Aun-Mom" _She's pausing to see how you react, don't let it show how that reminds you of the biggest failure of your life. Your heart is just fine, no stinging in there. None. You're just peachy. Since when do I say peachy?_

"She says she used to have to pace with me in the living room at night when she first brought me home. She ended up switching the TV channel to TCM and that seemed to calm me down. I've liked that sort of films ever since I can remember. Gone to Earth messed me up with that ending though, I'm scared of dogs and wells." _Lilly never told me that she cried that much, she didn't so much as let out a whimper that entire car ride in her arms the day they found us. Oh wait, I'm supposed to say something back, what movie was she talking about? Something about being afraid of wells?_

"That must have given you nightmares."

"That and other things. You know, like kids get. Mom would read me the Velveteen rabbit in the middle of the night whenever I'd get them. She said your mom did that with you, it's even the same copy."

 _Velveteen rabbit? I think I remember that name? Was that that book Lilly wouldn't let me touch without permission? For it to last so many years it was probably that one._

"I think she did yeah… mainly to Lil, I was more of a deep sleeper. Are you a big reader?"

"I've been reading at high school level for a while now. I really like Oscar Wilde and the Brontë sisters."

"Which one is your favorite?" _There have to be at least two right? Why didn't I steer the conversation towards something I actually know things about when I had the chance?_

"Emily. Anne is underrated but Wuthering Heights is my favorite book. Mom said it'd be too heavy but I loved how dark it is." _Wuthering Heights is that Kate Bush song too right?_

"I heavily considered naming you Emily you know."

Masie suddenly tenses. _Shit she was almost comfortable with you and you just went in for the kill, what do I do now? She's staring at her shoes again that's what we did when mom was yelling at us, this whole meeting was a terrible idea-_

"Why did you pick Masie?" _She's giving you a shot here Christina don't mess up._

"Lil and I once found this pearl at the beach when we were little. I declared it my treasure. Our Dad had come back and our Mom was happy, it was one of the rare days everything felt perfect. It means Pearl you know. Masie. When I came across the meaning in a baby name book I knew it was it. I was hoping you'd have nothing but days when everything is perfect…" _And because she was my treasure…_

"Mom could never tell me that." _Did she almost just reach for my hand now? I must be imagining things?_

"I had a lot of very good days with her. She did her best to hardly ever work weekends and to avoid working overtime more than once or twice a week. On weekends we went out or had fun around the house, sometimes Uncle Scotty would even drop by. He taught me how throw a mean curveball."

"Scotty was around a lot _?" I sorta figured he would especially when she was a baby but the weekend dad thing I didn't quite foresee._

"Everyone from the squad was but he was always the most present. When they had a case that required a lot of extra hours he'd come over for dinner and then look through the files with Mom until the wee hours. He took me to a couple Phillies' games along with his nephews. The youngest one has been in my class since the first grade and is one of my closest friends. His name is Gabriel, Gabe for short. Scotty's mom picked us up from school a lot when we were little. I'd stay until the late afternoon or even for dinner sometimes."

"Sounds fun." _And way more familial than anything we had_.

"It was. His mom had always wanted a girl so she sort of adopted me as a grandchild, his father too. I call them Abuela and Abuelo and they still call me muñequita." _If those were the same people that raised Scotty I'm not surprised._

"I never met them but I knew Scotty, he was a great guy." _DANGER! You're way too close to that rift with Lilly!_

"I know you have a history with him."

"Oh Shit!" _Fuck I didn't mean to say that out loud_!

"He was very honest with me about it, he says he was going through a hard time when you met and that he shouldn't have dated you then and should have handled his feelings properly before considering being more than friends with you. He also says he doesn't stick around me because of any of that, he claims he's gotten too used to me." _He's Scotty, of course he won't walk away from you._

"He says that when he saw Mom carry me to the car after finding me he vowed he'd help her out in whatever way he could. Because partners have to look out for each other. There was even this time Mom had to go pick up a serial killer from Jersey with Aunt Kat to get a confession. He asked specifically for the two of them on a whim one day. Uncle Scotty picked me up from school, took care of me and made us breakfast the next morning, just as Mom walked through the front door. He made me Mickey Mouse pancakes and a milkshake. Did you know I declared him my boyfriend when I was 4? I gave him a valentine I made at school and everything."

"That sounds like him." _He loves you way more than he ever liked me kid. 20 bucks he still has he damn card._

Masie's relatively relaxed body tenses and she looks straight ahead.

"He was shot last year."

"I heard." _Lilly called me out of the blue with so many voice cracks throughout the call I hardly recognized her._

"I've never seen Mom look so terrified, she wouldn't leave his side at the hospital. Abuela and Abuelo would switch turns at the hospital. I slept at their house for those two days when he still wasn't out of the woods. I don't think mom had ever felt so alone, I even saw her cry." _I'm guessing you cried too when nobody was looking._

"Is that what made you start asking about me?" _If she says yes that will address the elephant in the room. I'm not leaving today without getting into that anyway._

"I guess I started to wonder what would happen to me if I ever lost them both. And then I asked myself if I should consider you were lost already or if I'd ever have a relationship with you. Or why you had left me behind in the first place. It's why I wanted to meet you in person- to get some answers as to why you gave me up." _There we go… I hope she doesn't hate me after this._

"Oh boy, I knew I'd have to have this chat eventually. Are you sure you want to know this? I can give you a quick oversight of things if you'd prefer, this is a lot to take in for a kid." _I left you so you didn't have to know half this shit in the first place._

"I don't want you to keep anything from me." _I could swear she was just possessed by Lil._

"Are you sure? You might never want to see me again and to be honest I won't really be able to blame you." _Like at all._

"Can you trust me on this? I've spent years trying to get why you'd leave me behind. I want to try to understand you so that I can get passed this." _Inched closer to me, looked me in the eyes, pouted. Damn she's good!_

"You'll be opening a whole 'nother can of worms kid." _Or maybe thirty._

"I have the rest of my life to kill them." S _he's just put me in the box and she can't even drive yet. Great!_

"Damn Lil raised you alright." _Was that a twinkle in her eye? Okay, we're doing this… 1…2…3… deep breath…_

"I left Philly when I was being tracked down by the NYPD, I was involved in a credit fraud scheme there. You ok?" _Please say yes, please say yes…_

"Keep going." _There's the Ice Queen look…_

"I ran to Florida, worked some odd jobs for a few years until I met a man at a pharmacy."

"Was that man my father?" _That he was…_

"Yes. He might have been the only man I've ever truly loved but there was a lot of baggage that came with him."

"Drugs?" _She's quick at putting two and two together…_

"Yes. He had been prescribed Oxycotin after a surgery and it took over his life. He lost his job, his family, everything. To survive he got caught up in this black-market scheme. He- God forgive us- was in charge of making the stuff." _Stuff is vague enough right?_

"So he was smart?" _If she was any older I doubt she would have focused on that._

"Annoyingly so." _Almost like you._

"Did he ever meet me?" _Just the sonogram._

"No I'm afraid. But he loved you very much. Us both in fact. He did everything in his power to keep his demons from me, but my biggest flaw is my lack of willpower and being too curious so eventually we were both hooked and too weak to quit. Your father and I would wake up and swear to each other the last time had been the last one, we'd talk about leaving the whole operation, running away together and settling down. And then one day I told him I was pregnant and that did it for us. We both quit on the spot."

"So how do you end up with an abusive boyfriend and a baby in a laundry-basket?" _It breaks my heart how she doesn't even blink saying that. I messed her up despite all my efforts._

"Just days after our first O.B appointment I was at our motel room when I got a call. Your father had gone to sever the last couple ties we had to those people just as the FBI found them out. He tried to escape, to come back to us-"

"I no longer have a Father do I?" _I'm so sorry my treasure._

"What was his name?" _This is the first time she sounded like a kid this whole time._

"Adam." _I haven't said that name in forever._ "Adam Sudayev. He had Russian grandparents and blue eyes like you do."

"I could have been named Maisie Adamevna Sudayeva then?" _In another universe, who knows?_

"He would have loved to have met you. His dream was for you to be a great scientist, like the one he never did get to be. He'd been a chemist before the addiction swallowed him whole."

"He died that day. Most of them did. I didn't ask for the details. The surviving ones were arrested except for one."

"The abusive boyfriend."

"I couldn't reach out to Lil after the way things ended in Philly and our mom had already died, I had nobody but Cliff. He came to the motel to get me. I hadn't been involved in any of the dealing but I knew about it so there was the chance somebody could sell me out. He was also being looked for. We ran away together. There was nothing else I could have done."

"I can't fault you for that." _The weight you just lifted off my shoulders._

"You were born in Vermont. We couldn't risk going to a hospital, nor could he afford one so we found this midwife willing to help us without either of us having to sell our organs. She was a very sweet old lady but no-nonsense when it came to the birth. It was just me and her for 16 hours. It had rained that entire day but just before you were born the clouds parted and I could see the stars and the moon so clearly. I really thought we'd be alright in that moment. You, me and Cliff. It seemed like it could all work out _." I'm so, so sorry… Great now I'm crying!_

"But it didn't, now did it? When did things get bad? Was I too fussy? Did I make Cliff angry?" _No, no, no, no, baby none of this mess is because of you!_

"Nothing that happened with him was your fault. He had been somewhat decent during the pregnancy but after you were born he got worse… with the using. We depended on odd jobs to survive and he started getting mad whenever I yelled at him for losing one. You must have been two months old when he started…hitting me. I didn't have the means to leave. I had to swallow my pride and figure out a way of getting to Philly and taking you with me. We'd be near family, no longer alone. I decided our father might be a better place to start. I had to stay with Cliff for 5 months, saving all the pennies that I could to get myself from the place in Jersey we were living in at the time to Philadelphia. The beatings got worse and one day… please forgive me…"

"I can guess, take this please." _She's handing me a fucking Kleenex while I bawl my eyes out telling her all the stuff I swore she'd never hear until 30, mother of the year right here!_

"I shouldn't have told you this, you're not supposed to think about stuff like this at 12."

"I'm not a normal 12 year-old mommy dearest." _She's smiling at me again, and she called me mommy… sort of… for fucks sake am I crying even harder?_

"I couldn't… I…I… was too weak… and… it… helped me hold on… I swear it didn't get to a full blown addiction until a month before I left with you. Please forgive me-"

"I was given a clean bill of health at the hospital after Mom and Uncle Scotty found us. You may have been on drugs but you clearly cared about my wellbeing."

"I did…"

"The part I don't get is why you didn't come back for me after rehab."

"It's the biggest shame of my life." _A black hole of shame really._

"Please. I promise I won't judge. I… just need answers. And nobody can give them to me but you." _You win. I'll still omit some less PG bits though and you can't stop me._

"The night before Lilly was to come get me I panicked. I knew I'd fail at staying clean eventually and that I'd break your heart and hurt her all over again. I convinced myself you'd be better off not remembering me. Lil was so great with you I didn't doubt you'd grow up with a loving parent. Now what would happen if the two of us moved out and I started drinking or went back to that stuff? Or what would you think of me if we stayed with her and you had a parental figure that did everything right and a mess shaped like me on the couch? She didn't need a second child to raise and you didn't need to stop being one like we did because of our mother. The pressure was so much that I ran from the clinic and undid all the work I'd done. I thought it would help me deal with that barrage of doubts but I soon as I gave in I felt the most overwhelming guilt. And shame. I couldn't go home to you after that. If I couldn't even keep on the straight and narrow for you what worth was there to me? I just wanted to disappear. I left a note on Lilly's door telling her to forget me and I found a lawyer to help me with your adoption papers. I sent them to her and got a phone call from the lawyer telling me she'd signed them. You'd been accounted for. You were safe with somebody way better for you than me. That was the last thing I remember for a while. I was gone from my own mind for what turned out to be a lot longer than it felt." _Way to relieve the worst part of your life in two minutes or less._

"And then you were in an accident?" _It wasn't really accidental but we agreed on this little white lie for her sake._

"Yes. I realized when I woke up that I didn't want to die. I wanted to fix my relationship with my sister and I wanted to make something of myself so that one day you could be proud of me-"

"Like my grandmother was of yours." _Huh… she's finishing my sentences._

"Lil told you about your nana Ellen huh?" _I hope she picks up that "nana" was sarcastic_.

"I had to drill her for years to get that info. Is my middle name Elena as some sort of homage to her?" _I'd sooner have named you after my rental Mustang. And I was the favorite daughter!_

"Not really… coming up with a middle name was turning out to be very complicated and then one night I was driving with the car radio stuck in an oldies station and this Billy Joel song about some girl named Leyna started playing. You had never kicked me that hard or for so long before. I thought Leyna was an unusual name and Elena sort of popped into my head and it fit better with Masie. I hope those kicks were of appreciation and not of protest." _She perked up at "Billy Joel", could those feet on my ribs have been intentional?_

"The man is a treasure! Uptown Girl is the first song I remember loving, like… soul-deep-loving. I've been collecting his albums on second hand vinyl records since I was 8!" _Guess I hit bullseye on that one._

"You were right, you're not a normal 12 year-old at all." _That excitement I just witnessed is the trademark of one though._

"If you bought a Tiger Beat in hopes of understanding me you wasted some change."

"Glad I didn't." _Thought about it though._

"So what did you do after the accident? Rehab again and then?" _She won't let it go… she must drive Lilly insane, they're so alike._

"I stayed at that clinic for two years. Then I found a cheap apartment and enrolled in night classes at community college. I always did better in rehab when I tried to help incoming fellow patients, I figured that out of this whole ordeal I might have gotten my calling. I lived with three …ex-circus performers and an Uber driver. I worked at a beauty salon during the day and at a rental bike shop on weekends to afford the place and the classes." _The circus performers were really two strippers and a prostitute, I've put her through enough heavy themes today already._

"You could have moved in with us." _No I couldn't. For all our sakes._

"I needed to prove to myself that I could handle being alone before I could even begin to consider going near you. It was a do-over of my early twenties." _My entire early adulthood truth be told. And she hasn't said anything back yet… shit._

"You ok kid?"

"Yes I'm fine." _The classic not-fine answer. Lilly and I are frequent users._

"You can be angry at me for that you know? Even if you agree that my staying away was for the better it's okay to be mad that I could have been around and wasn't. You don't need to pretend it doesn't hurt or to hide that you think it's unfair that you were given a birth mother that needed a timeout to figure out how to be responsible adult. I agree it is."

"I am a little bit angry truth be told." _Of course you are, even I'm angry at myself!_

"You're almost a teenager. You'll feel even angrier soon. But eventually it will wear thin until there's almost none left. And you'll be old enough to handle the bit that remains. And who knows, you may even forgive me."

"I forgive you." _Oh honey…_

"Someday I hope you'll really be able to mean it."

"I am grateful you gave me to my Mom. That I really mean."

"You're welcome." _Don't cry again, don't cry again, don't cr-_

"So how that degree you got turn out?" _A distraction! Yes please!_

"I am now a counselor at the same clinic where I used to be a patient. It keeps me in check, being reminded of the hell detox is. Whenever I walk someone out that is done with the program I feel like I've done something good. Like I helped them reach what I didn't even think was possible for me. I'm doing something good with the life I was wasting you know?" _That's a nod from her, that's good._

"The clinic is an hour drive from here, I live there but if you'd like I could drop by once in a while."

"Maybe start with holidays and birthdays?" _YES!_

"Seems like a lovely place to start."

"I have something to confess to you." _Oh shit, what if the tells me something horrible? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS!_

"Remember when you graduated and Mom dropped by to congratulate you?"

 _The day I knew she officially forgave me?_ "Yes."

"I was supposed to see you too. But I chickened out. Stayed in the car with Uncle Scotty, only saw you from afar." _She was willing to see me then? Without really knowing me?_

"You don't need to feel bad about that. You wouldn't even have been 10 yet and had no idea who I was, I would probably have done the same _." She wanted to see me then? That's still something to wrap my head around._

"I panicked in the car. I kept thinking what if she doesn't live up to my mind? What if she doesn't like me? What if I scare her off?" _What if I scared you off?_

"I can tell you right now you don't scare me and that so far I like you just fine _." I took her hand in mine almost like a reflex and she's not taking it back from me!_ "There's a bit too much of Lilly in you but that will be good in the long run. Even if it will drive me just a little crazy." _The hand is still here, not freaking out… I can't even lie to myself._

"I'm not really sure what I expected of you but I'm ok with what I got." _She just squeezed my hand back?_

"A little apprehensive of everything you've just told me but time will help." _The hand is gone. It's okay, I still can't believe she was that comfortable with me._

"Take whatever time you need. When you're up to it feel free to call."

"What about tonight?" _Excuse me what?_

"You process stuff fast girl!"

"Mom said that if this went over well I could invite you over for dinner. Just the three of us. You can tell me all the embarrassing stories about her you can remember and I can finish answering your questions about me. I never told you what my feelings on boys and horses were."

 _I can't tell if that charm comes from me or from Lil_ "That seems lovely."

"As for calling, you think we could write instead? I've always wanted a pen pal." _God she's a nerd… an adorable nerd, how does anyone ever say no to her?_

"I'll buy some stamps on my way to your house." _She smiled again! I might be better at this than I thought._

A car pulls over near the park entrance and honks. Inside two boys wave at Masie.

"I guess it's my time to get going. I have a science project with Gabe we want to finish today. That's him and his brother Em, Scotty's older nephew." _Her best friend has an older brother with a car, girl knows how to pick 'em._

"Have fun then, well, I mean work hard…" _You're a natural Chris._ "I'll see you tonight." _That's way less awkward. I hope._

 _She's not moving from her spot, why? Oh!_

Masie gives her a quick hug before running off in her ride's direction.

"See ya later!" She climbs into the backseat and waves before they pull away.

"I take it went well." _Lil's right behind me isn't she?_

Christina turns around to find her sister smirking at her. _Yep._

"There was some crying on my part but she handled herself far better."

"She doesn't spook very easily." _Except for dogs and wells._

"You've done a wonderful job with her. She's so smart and so mature-"

"12 going on 30." _Aww Lil I've never seen you look so proud of anything._

"And terrifying when drilling for information _."_

"Wonder how she picked that up." _Nevermind, that pride just escalated past the atmosphere._

"And nothing like me." _Except for those dimples._

"You were sweet like that at some point. I hope she keeps just a little bit of that little girl sensibility."

"Unlike the both of us." _She was thinking it too._

"I guess I'm in denial about her growing up."

"The next few years are bound to be interesting."

"Is this your way of telling me you're going to share-in the joys of dealing with a teenager?" _I guess it is._

"Lil listen, I'm not going to snatch her away. She's your girl by now. I might drop by once in a while but I want her to stay with you, I will not risk putting her through our childhoods." _I'd sooner die._

"You're not mom Chris." _Thank you Lilly, you have no idea how long I waited to hear that from you._

"Maybe someday I'll grow up to be just like my big sister."

"You're just fine now." _She feels the need to punctuate that by throwing an arm around my shoulders? Might as well tease her a bit._

"Speaking of fine you and Scotty…" _A-ha! She tensed for a second there!_

"He's just my partner and my closest friend."

"Sure he is Muñequita."


	2. Masie

"Is she here yet Mom?" Lilly Rush walks into the park, her preteen (almost teen) daughter clutching her hand like she hadn't in a few years. She spots a blonde head of curls in the exact spot they'd agreed over the phone and her heart catches just a little bit in her throat. It was happening.

"Right there. Are you nervous?" _I'm about to meet your sister that just happens to have given birth to me, what do you think Mom?_

"A little bit." _Or a lot. A whole lot. The reach of a mushroom cloud lot._

"If you don't want to do this nobody is forcing you, ok?" _Now that you mention it in this high-stress situation-_

"No, I have to do this." _That's it, there goes my last out. No turning back now._

"I'll be right here in case you need me. Stretch your arms and I'll be right over."

"I know Mom." _You've been reminding me of that for the past week._

"If things get too heavy you can talk about the cats, or that rock collection you and Gabe keep or-"

"I'll be fine Mom." _I think… I hope._

"I love you." _She's holding on to my hand for dear life, I might as well hug her before she does._

"I love you too." _Oww she's crushing me!_

They break the hug and the girl turns away, leaving her mother near a coffee cart, before marching over towards a bench, her palms shaking slightly. She stops right behind it wondering how she thought about so many things she'd do yet it had never occurred to her how she'd approach the woman she was meeting. Before she can get into another game of "Will she like me? Do I look okay? Will she be nice to me?" she gathers her courage and utters her name.

"Christina Rush?" _She's turning around. Point of no return now._

"Yes." _She looks older than Mom, I knew she had curly hair but it's longer in the pictures. She's also dressed older, jeans, a blouse and a cardigan. She could pass for an elementary school teacher-_

"You must be Masie. Please sit down."

 _Okay. I'm sitting. She's looking at me. Of course she is what else could she look at? I knew she had brown eyes but I always pictured her with blue ones. Her cheeks have sunk a bit since the last picture I saw, is it just due to aging? Will mine do the same? I don't have her eyes or nose but that chin is the same. What am I doing staring at her like I'm at the zoo? I came to talk so I better start talking._

"You must be my mother." _Good grief, did my chords go out all at once? Speak up you idiot!_

"You are correct." _Is she smiling at me? I think we have the same dimples. Who am I kidding I'm just putting off talking to her. Should I start with small talk? Talk about the weather? Wait until she says som-_

"So how's School? Do you have lots of friends? Any boys around? What's your favorite subject? Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? What sort of things do you like? Pizza? Teen music? Horror movies? Horses?"

 _How many things did she ask me about? I don't like horror movies, pizza is great but Chinese food is better, don't have any strong feelings towards horses or boys at the moment. She asked about school too right? Crap, I haven't answered anything yet!_

"My favorite subject is Math. I think it is very elegant how it can describe basically anything. I did a project on Fractals at science camp this summer." _Did I sound too nerdy? Does she even know what a fractal is?_

"A fractal is an abstract object used to describe and simulate naturally occurring objects. Mo-" _Is it ok to call mom 'mom' while talking to my birth mother?_ "Aunt Lilly" _She may be my legal mom but she's that too._ "Said school wasn't your forte. I guess I didn't take after you there." _Was that too mean?_

"You can call her mom you know? Aunt Lilly? She did most of the work raising you, she deserves the title more than I do." _Won't that make her feel bad? Or does she ignore the blood relation on purpose?_

"I guess I just don't really know what to call you." _Mom feels too intimate for someone that hasn't been in my life since I was a baby but if I call her Christina will it sound too cold? Like I reject who she is to me?_

"You can call me anything from my name to mommy dearest, I'm fine with it." … _Does she realize how dark of a joke that just was? Or how much I love it?_

"That's one of my favorite movies." _Poor Fae Dunaway didn't deserve to be MEMEd like that. Bergman's "DAMMMMMMN!" from Indiscreet deserves that treatment too!_

"I tend to favor even older movies though, Aun-" _She doesn't want you to say that you moron!_ "Mom" _Is she okay with this? No reaction, it's in the clear then._ "She says she used to have to pace with me in the living room at night when she first brought me home. She ended up switching the TV channel to TCM and that seemed to calm me down. I've liked that sort of films ever since I can remember. Gone to Earth messed me up with that ending though, I'm scared of dogs and wells." _Man's best friend my ass! It's all great until Jennifer Jones and Foxy the fox fall to their deaths!_

"That must have given you nightmares." _Ya think? Powell and Pressburger films are so worth them though!_

"That and other things." _Maleficent and the guy from the Shamwow commercial mostly._ "You know, like kids get. Mom would read me the Velveteen rabbit in the middle of the night whenever I'd get them." _After I barged into her room, shook her awake and cuddled into her side with the book in my hands_." She said your mom did that with you, it's even the same copy."

"I think she did yeah… mainly to Lil, I was more of a deep sleeper. Are you a big reader?" _Lady, I didn't tire these bespectacled eyes with just TV._

"I've been reading at high school level for a while now. I really like Oscar Wilde and the Brontë sisters." _Cracking open coffins, madwomen in the attic and gay undercurrents FTW._

"Which one is your favorite?"

"Emily. Anne is underrated but Wuthering Heights is my favorite book. Mom said it'd be too heavy but I loved how dark it is." _Heathcliff you trash hurricane, you're the Professor Ratigan of gothic Anti-Heros my sonovabitch bae._

"I heavily considered naming you Emily you know." _Why didn't she? Why Masie? I don't know! No clue at all! This is the woman who named me. This is the woman who carried me and gave me life. I suddenly feel a little dizzy, I gotta say something before the lump in my throat bursts._

"Why did you pick Masie?"

"Lil and I once found this pearl at the beach when we were little. I declared it my treasure. Our Dad had come back and our Mom was happy, it was one of the rare days everything felt perfect. It means Pearl you know. Masie. When I came across the meaning in a baby name book I knew it was it. I was hoping you'd have nothing but days when everything is perfect…"

"Mom could never tell me that." _Would it be too overconfident to squeeze her hand? I wasn't expecting her to look this sad telling me she named me Pearl._

"I had a lot of very good days with her. She did her best to hardly ever work weekends and to avoid working overtime more than once or twice a week." _When she failed and I ended up at the precinct it wasn't so bad, I learned to read when she'd go to the archives with me on a break and make me say each letter written in the closed case boxes. The first word I read on my own was 'Baxter'_. _Also messing with Uncle Nick's desk was fun, he always assumed it had been Uncle Scotty._ "On weekends we went out or had fun around the house, sometimes Uncle Scotty would even drop by. He taught me how throw a mean curveball." _Gabe is still mad he couldn't get the hang of it like I got._

"Scotty was around a lot _?" A lot is an understatement._

"Everyone from the squad was but he was always the most present." _Present enough for me to call him daddy when I was baby._ "When they had a case that required a lot of extra hours he'd come over for dinner and then look through the files with Mom until the wee hours." _And sleep over on our couch and have breakfast with us in the morning_ "He took me to a couple Phillies' games along with his nephews. The youngest one has been in my class since the first grade and is one of my closest friends. His name is Gabriel, Gabe for short. Scotty's mom picked us up from school a lot when we were little. I'd stay until the late afternoon or even for dinner sometimes _." If Mom's Dad hadn't wanted us in his 'new' life I'm pretty sure we'd have spent Christmas with the Valens._

"Sounds fun." _You don't know fun until you bury Scotty Valens alive at the beach and then eat a whole ice cream while looking him dead in the eye._

"It was. His mom had always wanted a girl so she sort of adopted me as a grandchild, his father too. I call them Abuela and Abuelo and they still call me muñequita." _My report card made it to their fridge for the past 7 years and everything._

"I never met them but I knew Scotty, he was a great guy." _Does she mean great as in nice or as in …sex nice? Eww! Well she's probably thinking he babysat me out of guilt, better get that straight._

"I know you have a history with him."

"Oh Shit!" _Maybe not the best approach there Masie… now finish this mess you started._

"He was very honest with me about it, he says he was going through a hard time when you met and that he shouldn't have dated you then and should have handled his feelings properly before considering being more than friends with you. He also says he doesn't stick around me because of any of that, he claims he's gotten too used to says that when he saw Mom carry me to the car after finding me he vowed he'd help her out in whatever way he could. Because partners have to look out for each other. There was even this time Mom had to go pick up a serial killer from Jersey with Aunt Kat to get a confession. He asked specifically for the two of them on a whim one day. Uncle Scotty picked me up from school, took care of me and made us breakfast the next morning, just as Mom walked through the front door. He made me Mickey Mouse pancakes and a milkshake." _He got a little uncomfortable when it was my bath time and he didn't want to invade my privacy though. He was scared I could slip so he insisted on lecturing me about personal boundaries and how in the future I should kick any boyfriend that doesn't respect them to the curb from the other side of the door. I was six._ "Did you know I declared him my boyfriend when I was 4? I gave him a valentine I made at school and everything." _What can I say? He respected my privacy. Truly the one that got away that Valens hehehe._

"That sounds like him." _Yes it does. He's silly and caring and overprotective and annoying and stupid and gets in the way of bullets to save a kid like a Godamned martyr, that stupid hero complex of his…_

"He was shot last year." _Chest and leg. Barely missed the femoral and pulmonary arteries._

"I heard." _The news or the screaming from his nightmares? They reached all of Pennsylvania I'm sure._

"I've never seen Mom look so terrified, she wouldn't leave his side at the hospital." _Except for when she came out of his room to make me leave._ "Abuela and Abuelo would switch turns at the hospital. I slept at their house for those two days when he still wasn't out of the woods." _That house felt so alien, the radio was busted, and there was no scent of anything wafting from the kitchen. No teasing in Spanish, just repetitions of what the doctors were saying. It was almost cold._

"I don't think mom had ever felt so alone, I even saw her cry." _Bawling more like. She kept telling him she couldn't lose another one, that he couldn't leave her like the others, that he'd promised her he'd help her raise me and that job was not done. That I needed both of them. I couldn't take it anymore, I ran to the waiting room and begged Abuelo to take me home, I didn't need to watch the closest thing I've ever had to a dad die. Damn it Masie keep it together! No crying over that now!_

"Is that what made you start asking about me?" _Well duh._

"I guess I started to wonder what would happen to me if I ever lost them both. And then I asked myself if I should consider you were lost already or if I'd ever have a relationship with you. Or why you had left me behind in the first place. It's why I wanted to meet you in person- to get some answers as to why you gave me up." _So you gonna talk or?_

"Oh boy, I knew I'd have to have this chat eventually. Are you sure you want to know this? I can give you a quick oversight of things if you'd prefer, this is a lot to take in for a kid." _So is watching Scotty Valens on the verge of crossing over._

"I don't want you to keep anything from me."

"Are you sure? You might never want to see me again and to be honest I won't really be able to blame you." _Jeez, underestimate me much? That's too mean Masie, the poor woman doesn't know you yet._

"Can you trust me on this? I've spent years trying to get why you'd leave me behind. I want to try to understand you so that I can get passed this." _I'm looking at you dead in the eye and pouting, Mom was worn down by this more times than she cares to admit._

"You'll be opening a whole 'nother can of worms kid." _God listen to me woman!_

"I have the rest of my life to kill them."

"Damn Lil raised you alright." _Hehe._

"I left Philly when I was being tracked down by the NYPD, I was involved in a credit fraud scheme there. You ok?" _I was vaguely aware of that, no point freaking out. Still, weird to actually hear it._

"Keep going."

"I ran to Florida, worked some odd jobs for a few years until I met a man at a pharmacy."

"Was that man my father?"

"Yes. He might have been the only man I've ever truly loved but there was a lot of baggage that came with him." _He did drugs too then?_

"Drugs?"

"Yes. He had been prescribed Oxycotin after a surgery and it took over his life. He lost his job, his family, everything. To survive he got caught up in this black-market scheme. He- God forgive us- was in charge of making the stuff."

"So he was smart?" _This counts as looking on the bright side of life right?_

"Annoyingly so." _So maybe I got my school smarts from him? Is there any memory of him buried in the innermost recesses of my brain?_

"Did he ever meet me?"

"No I'm afraid." _Oh._ "But he loved you very much. Us both in fact. He did everything in his power to keep his demons from me, but my biggest flaw is my lack of willpower and being too curious so eventually we were both hooked and too weak to quit. Your father and I would wake up and swear to each other the last time had been the last one, we'd talk about leaving the whole operation, running away together and settling down. And then one day I told him I was pregnant and that did it for us. We both quit on the spot." _And yet you end up alone and surrendering custody._

"So how do you end up with an abusive boyfriend and a baby in a laundry-basket?"

"Just days after our first O.B appointment I was at our motel room when I got a call. Your father had gone to sever the last couple ties we had to those people just as the FBI found them out. He tried to escape, to come back to us-" _She's going to tell me his dead, isn't she?_

"I no longer have a Father do I?" _That silence speaks for itself. At least that guy that beat her wasn't him._

"What was his name?" _If I don't ask her, who's going to tell me?_

"Adam. Adam Sudayev. He had Russian grandparents and blue eyes like you do." _Uh. Russian blood. Didn't see this coming._

"I could have been named Maisie Adamevna Sudayeva then?"

"He would have loved to have met you. His dream was for you to be a great scientist, like the one he never did get to be. He'd been a chemist before the addiction swallowed him whole." _A chemist. How would he feel about a mathematician heh?_

"He died that day. Most of them did. I didn't ask for the details. The surviving ones were arrested except for one." _That son of a bitch Cliff._

"The abusive boyfriend."

"I couldn't reach out to Lil after the way things ended in Philly and our mom had already died, I had nobody but Cliff. He came to the motel to get me. I hadn't been involved in any of the dealing but I knew about it so there was the chance somebody could sell me out. He was also being looked for. We ran away together. There was nothing else I could have done."

"I can't fault you for that." _If anything I can only fault you for getting involved with those people years prior and for what you did after rehab._

"You were born in Vermont." _What the hell? I'm almost Canadian?!_ "We couldn't risk going to a hospital, nor could we afford one so we found this midwife willing to help us without either of us having to sell our organs. She was a very sweet old lady but no-nonsense when it came to the birth. It was just me and her for 16 hours." _Sixteen? I've heard it can take way longer but holy crap I'm so sorry!_ "It had rained that entire day but just before you were born the clouds parted and I could see the stars and the moon so clearly. I really thought we'd be alright in that moment. You, me and Cliff. It seemed like it could all work out _."_

"But it didn't, now did it?" _Crap, I didn't mean to say that out loud._ "When did things get bad? Was I too fussy? Did I make Cliff angry?" _I mean things seemed to be going fine, I was the new variable so I must be what screwed it up right?_

"Nothing that happened with him was your fault." _Not my fault. Not my fault. Not me._ "He had been somewhat decent during the pregnancy but after you were born he got worse… with the using. We depended on odd jobs to survive and he started getting mad whenever I yelled at him for losing one. You must have been two months old when he started…hitting me. I didn't have the means to leave. I had to swallow my pride and figure out a way of getting to Philly and taking you with me. We'd be near family, no longer alone. I decided our father might be a better place to start. I had to stay with Cliff for 5 months, saving all the pennies that I could to get myself from the place in Jersey we were living in at the time to Philadelphia. The beatings got worse and one day… please forgive me…" _It was too much to handle and she went back to the pills. So easy to figure out it's almost painful. Maybe more on her than me, she's crying isn't she? Oh, she's ugly crying! What do I do? Tissue? Yeah I got some!_

"I can guess, take this please." _Please calm down, please calm down, I don't know what else to do._

"I shouldn't have told you this, you're not supposed to think about stuff like this at 12." _Just sniffles now. Ok. I can handle sniffles. I think._

"I'm not a normal 12 year-old mommy dearest." _Get it? I called you the thing? Oh no she's getting worse arrrgh what have I done?!_

"I couldn't… I…I… was too weak… and… it… helped me hold on… I swear it didn't get to a full blown addiction until a month before I left with you. Please forgive me-" _I forgive you for using then please just stop crying!_

"I was given a clean bill of health at the hospital after Mom and Uncle Scotty found us. You may have been on drugs but you clearly cared about my wellbeing." _Does this end this bit of the story? I mean what else is there? She did the best she could and kept me safe until a better caretaker could be arranged, that's not what I'm mad at. Am I angry really?_

"I did…"

"The part I don't get is why you didn't come back for me after rehab." _Was I not enough to motivate you? There was no Cliff then, why didn't rehab stick long enough for you to even pick me up?_

"It's the biggest shame of my life." _And the biggest question of mine._

"Please. I promise I won't judge. I… just need answers. And nobody can give them to me but you." _Please…_

"The night before Lilly was to come get me I panicked. I knew I'd fail at staying clean eventually and that I'd break your heart and hurt her all over again. I convinced myself you'd be better off not remembering me. Lil was so great with you I didn't doubt you'd grow up with a loving parent. Now what would happen if the two of us moved out and I started drinking or went back to that stuff? Or what would you think of me if we stayed with her and you had a parental figure that did everything right and a mess shaped like me on the couch? She didn't need a second child to raise and you didn't need to stop being one like we did because of our mother. The pressure was so much that I ran from the clinic and undid all the work I'd done. I thought it would help me deal with that barrage of doubts but I soon as I gave in I felt the most overwhelming guilt. And shame. I couldn't go home to you after that. If I couldn't even keep on the straight and narrow for you what worth was there to me? I just wanted to disappear." _But you were still my mother, even with all those screw ups! You took the easy way out even if you really think it would spare me._ "I left a note on Lilly's door telling her to forget me and I found a lawyer to help me with your adoption papers. I sent them to her and got a phone call from the lawyer telling me she'd signed them." _You couldn't even show up to go over them in person with her? Even that was too much for you?_ "You'd been accounted for. You were safe with somebody way better for you than me. That was the last thing I remember for a while. I was gone from my own mind for what turned out to be a lot longer than it felt." _Until one day she decides life is worth it and what makes her think so is not me. A death scare carried more weight than I did apparently._

"And then you were in an accident?"

"Yes. I realized when I woke up that I didn't want to die. I wanted to fix my relationship with my sister and I wanted to make something of myself so that one day you could be proud of me-"

"Like my grandmother was of yours."

"Lil told you about your nana Ellen huh?"

"I had to drill her for years to get that info." _8 to be exact_. "Is my middle name Elena as some sort of homage to her?" _Did she just cringe at my question?_

"Not really… coming up with a middle name was turning out to be very complicated and then one night I was driving with the car radio stuck in an oldies station and this Billy Joel song about some girl named Leyna started playing. You had never kicked me that hard or for so long before. I thought Leyna was an unusual name and Elena sort of popped into my head and it fit better with Masie. I hope those kicks were of appreciation and not of protest." _I WAS NAMED FOR A BILLY JOEL SONG?! Take that Alexa's of the world!_

"The man is a treasure! Uptown Girl is the first song I remember loving, like… soul-deep-loving. I've been collecting his albums on second hand vinyl records since I was 8!" _Since Uncle Scotty gave me his parents' old copy of Glass Houses for my birthday the same year mom had her old Crosley fixed._

"You were right, you're not a normal 12 year-old at all."

"If you bought a Tiger Beat in hopes of understanding me you wasted some change." _That's not completely true, I would have had fun drawing moustaches on every person's face._

"Glad I didn't."

"So what did you do after the accident? Rehab again and then?" _Besides staying away._

"I stayed at that clinic for two years. Then I found a cheap apartment and enrolled in night classes at community college. I always did better in rehab when I tried to help incoming fellow patients, I figured that out of this whole ordeal I might have gotten my calling. I lived with three …ex-circus performers and an Uber driver. I worked at a beauty salon during the day and at a rental bike shop on weekends to afford the place and the classes." _She'd rather live with Carnies than with her family?_

"You could have moved in with us."

"I needed to prove to myself that I could handle being alone before I could even begin to consider going near you. It was a do-over of my early twenties." _Yet I don't get a do-over of my childhood with her in it, how fair!_

"You ok kid?" _Not really no._

"Yes I'm fine."

"You can be angry at me for that you know? Even if you agree that my staying away was for the better it's okay to be mad that I could have been around and wasn't. You don't need to pretend it doesn't hurt or to hide that you think it's unfair that you were given a birth mother that needed a timeout to figure out how to be responsible adult. I agree it is." _Unfair? Glad you think so too. Mad? The thing keeping me from full-blown anger is pity for the rest of the story and 11 years of Mom telling me it was the best you could do at the time._

"I am a little bit angry truth be told." _I won't be less angry if I pretend I'm not will I?_

"You're almost a teenager. You'll feel even angrier soon. But eventually it will wear thin until there's almost none left. And you'll be old enough to handle the bit that remains. And who knows, you may even forgive me _." Sure be understanding of my anger so that I feel worse about the tiny bit of hate directed at you! …_ _Masie what are you doing? You wanted answers and that's what she gave you, are you going to snap at her because they aren't to your liking? You won't get a do-over of your life with her in it and it's not like you've had a bad one anyways. It's best to take this all in for now. Mom was right, you can only help someone change so much._

"I forgive you." _Or I will someday, I just need to work through all the new info._

"Someday I hope you'll really be able to mean it." _Damn she saw through my bluff! I am trying to start forgiving her though, so there's some truth in there._

"I am grateful you gave me to my Mom. That I really mean _." I should tell her how thankful I am for her taking me in overnight later. And how much I love her. Even if I snap at her sometimes._

"You're welcome." _We will be fine. Eventually. I just need to get over my brain screams._

"So how that degree you got turn out?"

"I am now a counselor at the same clinic where I used to be a patient. It keeps me in check, being reminded of the hell detox is. Whenever I walk someone out that is done with the program I feel like I've done something good. Like I helped them reach what I didn't even think was possible for me. I'm doing something good with the life I was wasting you know? The clinic is an hour drive from here, I live there but if you'd like I could drop by once in a while." _I may be emotionally overloaded right now but I think I want that._

"Maybe start with holidays and birthdays?"

"Seems like a lovely place to start."

"I have something to confess to you." _What the hell? Where did this come from? My brain was starting to calm down and then it makes me say this! Now I have to finish or she'll force it out of me!_

"Remember when you graduated and Mom dropped by to congratulate you?" _You two started calling each other monthly after that, of course you do._

"Yes."

"I was supposed to see you too. But I chickened out. Stayed in the car with Uncle Scotty, only saw you from afar _." I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking going that day or telling you this just now._

"You don't need to feel bad about that. You wouldn't even have been 10 yet and had no idea who I was, I would probably have done the same _."_

"I panicked in the car. I kept thinking what if she doesn't live up to my mind? What if she doesn't like me? What if I scare her off?" _What if it's the last I ever see of her and she undoes all the progress she made while away?_

"I can tell you right now you don't scare me and that so far I like you just fine _._ There's a bit too much of Lilly in you but that will be good in the long run. Even if it will drive me just a little crazy." _There is hand-holding happening. Ok. She thinks I'm like Mom? She's not the first to tell me that but somehow it makes me very happy. Let me throw in a light squeeze of that hand before I tell her this whole thing was somehow okay._

"I'm not really sure what I expected of you but I'm ok with what I got. A little apprehensive of everything you've just told me but time will help."

"Take whatever time you need. When you're up to it feel free to call."

"What about tonight?" _Please don't say you have to go back to the clinic at 3PM on a Saturday._

"You process stuff fast girl!" _Oh. Okay, I should have seen this reaction coming too._

"Mom said that if this went over well I could invite you over for dinner. Just the three of us. You can tell me all the embarrassing stories about her you can remember and I can finish answering your questions about me. I never told you what my feelings on boys and horses were."

"That seems lovely."

"As for calling, you think we could write instead? I've always wanted a pen pal." _And there's no awkward silence on paper._

"I'll buy some stamps on my way to your house." _Score!_

A car pulls over near the park entrance and honks. Inside two boys wave at Masie.

"I guess it's my time to get going. I have a science project with Gabe we want to finish today." _Maybe I should clarify the twenty year-old driving is not a stranger._ "That's him and his brother Em, Scotty's older nephew."

"Have fun then, well, I mean work hard… I'll see you tonight." _Ah what the hell, I'll give her hug, how else am I supposed to say goodbye?_

They share a quick hug before Masie runs off in her ride's direction.

"See ya later!" Masie climbs into the backseat and waves before they pull away. She can see Lilly approach Christina as the car drives away.

"How did it go Maze _?" Jesus Gabe you startled me! Well, I did hop in this car without so much as a hello, I guess I deserved it._

"Ok."

"You need anything? I can drop you two off somewhere you can eat your feelings." _Do all 20 year-olds mask worry with jokes?_

"Thanks for the offer Em, but we really need to finish our statistic's project. Besides, she's having dinner with us tonight so I can't spoil my appetite."

"You should have said it went well then! You got me worried you were trying to brush us off." _Don't get your Spiderman underwear in a twist Gabe, it was just a talk!_

"You two can be worse than your Uncle sometimes you know that?" _Speaking him, has Uncle Scotty texted me yet? 'Hey kiddo, everything go ok with Christina? Just checking up on my favorite niece :)_ _'. Yep._

"Yet you still hang out with us." _Put that tongue back in your mouth you wimp!_

"Someone has to teach you throw a decent curveball Gabe." _Now he'll start saying he hates me, I can go over the past hour while he does that. So she had me in Vermont, named me after a pearl and a Billy Joel track…_

"There it is Em, she's fine! I'm back to hating her as if she were our real sister."

"Maybe one day she'll be officially family." Was Emilio's retort that Masie didn't hear in the midst of her thoughts and that Gabe was extremely confused by.


	3. Lilly

**After some new schoolyear madness chapter 3 is up. A 4** **th** **one is in the works ;)**

Dinner is much more pleasant than any of them expect, Christina teases Lilly a bit and Lilly pokes fun at her back in a way none of them remember doing this side of Y2K. They tell Masie about what few good times they had as kids and annoy each other with embarrassing childhood stories that make Masie cackle like a maniac, all before they reach dessert. Masie is persuaded to play something on her little keyboard (one day hopefully traded in for a real piano) choosing a bit of "All for Leyna" to see if her mommy dearest recognizes it (she does after Lilly gives her a few hints).

After dinner they go through some photo albums with Christina who, somehow, manages to keep it together despite the documentation of all she missed. Masie picks out one of the most recent pictures they have and tells Christina to take it to keep in her desk at the clinic, promising they'll take one together to replace it soon. She leaves shortly after, sharing another hug with Masie before getting into her car, promising she'll drop by again the following month for Masie's 13th birthday.

Lilly and Masie hook arms after watching Christina drive away and walk back inside. Their most recent cat, Anthony with the malformed jaw that keeps him from closing his mouth properly, rubs against Masie's leg, signaling he wants one last snack before returning to his place at the foot of her bed. They feed the cats and finish some dishwashing to the sounds of the evening news they missed before retiring to their rooms and changing into their pajamas. Masie settles into her bed with a copy of Little Women she's barely paying attention to, thoughts of the day keeping most of her concentration hostage. She gives up on reading it when she hears Lilly knocking on the door before poking her head in holding two mugs.

"Hey, I got your favorite tea." _Lemon and Ginger in the Powerpuff Girls' mug, just like you like it._

"And some questions I suspect." _And correctly too._

"I'm not going to drill you, you've had an exhausting day and if you don't want to talk about it it's fine. Just wanted to make sure you were okay before I went to bed." _Or I wouldn't be able to lie down. That tea is a little too warm that should buy me some time while it cools._

"She's charming isn't she?" _And there we go. She sounds so sad saying that…_

"Almost as much as you." _That charm could really be trouble for both of us in a couple years though._

"And you too. Lilly Rush engaged to a biker at 19? Who are you?" _DAMN YOU CHRISTINA!_

"I'm going to kill her for bringing him up." _Kenny form the 9_ _th_ _grade would have been less bad. And he got his braces stuck to his locker._

"You still talk?" _HA._

"He'd drop by every couple years but we haven't been together for decades." _Not since that Joseph fiasco._

"Shame, I could have had the coolest step-dad picking me up from school." _You'd only come home every two years. At least you cracked a smile at my embarrassment._

"Instead you got me in a squad car or Rosa Valens in her minivan." _That woman is a Godsend._

"I survived. Any other boyfriends I should know about?" _No way, I'm not telling you about any Kites, Saccardos, Josephs, Cavanaughs or God forbid Patricks anytime soon._

"We can have this chat when you're older." _Like thirty-ish older. Don't you pout at me kid!_

"You'll make an exception in case I get a step-dad in the meantime?" _Ya right_.

"I don't think that's in the cards."

"Not even Uncle Scotty? He's practically my dad already, you'd look cute together." _This again?_

"Did she put you up to this?" _She had to, you don't talk to me about my love life. Like ever._

"No." _Damn it her tell isn't showing, it really wasn't Christina putting that idea in her head. Is she giggling? Why?_

"There's nothing funny about it. We're just partners and very close friends." _And after a traumatic event I might have hugged him too tightly and told him I loved him… AS MY BEST FRIEND I MEAN._

"Sure _." I'M SERIOUS GIRL!_

"How come nobody believes me?" _We just love to hang out and go places together and spend most of our free time with our shared friends or each other's families… while not seeing other people… and being the other's emergency contact… have we been dating? Like subconsciously?_

"The world doesn't understand your telepathic bond." _Nope, it's just our bond. Almost like siblings even. Siblings that shared a kiss while drunk two weeks ago and haven't talked about it yet. I didn't come here to talk about him, you trying to get me off your trail kid?!_

"Was my telepathic bond with Valens all you talked about today or did you learn anything new about yourself too?" _Your turn, spill it._

"I was born in Vermont apparently." _I knew that, did I never tell her? Must have slipped._

"Anything else?"

"Did you know my father was a chemist?" _Dad talk huh? That's something I didn't think she'd want to know right away but I guess she has questions there too. I never did tell her who her father was, she only knew her birth mother was out there somewhere._

"She never talked to me about him, so no, I didn't." _Just that he wasn't Cliff. Thank God._

"He is deceased but his name was Adam Sudayev, there's some Russian in me." _Huh. I wouldn't have guessed, Chris's type was more Irish/Latino/whoever I was engaged to._ "She said his dream was for me to be a great scientist, like the one he didn't get to be." _He wanted you to be something great, just like Chris did when she gave you to me. I'm so sorry only one of them will see the amazing woman you'll be someday Masie._

"I'm sure you'll make him proud." _If I were him I'd be proud already. And I am too._

"But isn't it weird that the expectations of a man I've never met mean something?" _Oh. This is going there. Why couldn't she ask Chris stuff, those I foresaw dammit!_

"I can't judge if it's weird or not but when I reconnected with my father I deep down wanted him to be proud of me _." Even if I wouldn't admit it. It was nice… those moments playing chess and getting Chinese… it was almost like he had never even left me._ "Even if my grown-up rational thoughts told me I didn't need his approval." _And you don't need your mother's either but rest assured that it's not something you'll have to work that hard to get_.

"What if it's not that you need it, but that it's nice to have it?" _It is so nice. And a little bit of you wants it so much it's almost like you need it._

"I think it's something like that."

"Did you have to think a lot about taking me in? She said how great you were with me, I was wondering whether it was an easy choice to make." _What choice? Me or foster care? You were mine from the laundry basket onwards almost._

"I didn't get to think a lot about it." _Like at all. You needed me._ "I guess it just took a bit longer to realize you'd be permanent." _Namely, when she left and sent me the adoption papers._ "I saw a little baby with a mother that wasn't in the best conditions to raise her and I got extremely protective of you." _I thought about you as my baby for some fleeting seconds in the beginning. I felt so silly and confused, forgetting you were just my niece and not my daughter._ "Our childhood was dreadful, I didn't even want to think about you getting something similar. I wouldn't let you go with her until she was okay enough for you." _And then you really were my little girl and I was really your mom with some pen scribbles._ "Somewhere along the way she got lost and you started calling me mommy… and I started considering myself as such."

"You are my mother. No biological mother reconnecting with me will change that." _My sweet baby I didn't know how badly I needed to hear that until you said it._

"Thank you honey." _You're not too old for me to hug you like this right? I hope that time never comes._

"I really love you. I know I snap at you sometimes but took me in and raised me just cause it was the right thing. I'm very grateful I have you." _Sweetie you don't need to say thanks more than once, you have my heart forever._

"Masie, you get that I loved you even when you were only my baby niece right? You were never a chore. Watching you grow up has been one of the greatest joys of my life, even if you raise your tone a little or refuse to clean your room." _Or when you make me listen to musicals in the car. And later hum them while doing dishes with me._ "It was daunting at first but if anything my love for you has only grown with every challenge you've given me; you are my only little girl after all." _And you'll always be no matter how many inches you grow or bras I buy for you or-_

"Do you regret not having children? I mean, biologically yours?" _Hmmm…_

"That door is closed now, but I don't have that many regrets about it. Sometimes I wonder what a pregnancy is like and stuff like that but I got all the important bits with you." _The 'I have a child I love' bits._ "Unless this is your way of telling me you want a little brother or sister now, we can adopt…"

"Nah, I'm fine with just you and the cats." _If you say so._

"Anything else you want to go over?"

"Did you know Masie means pearl?" _Oh. I get it._

"She named you after the pearl we found when we were kids." _I forget Chris has a sensitive side sometimes, I should give her more credit there._

"You remember that?" _Her taking it everywhere and crying whenever she thought she'd lost it?_

"Of course I do. It was her treasure." _And now you are ours._

 _Is that a tear?... Now there are several, damn it I hate seeing you like this…_

"Oh sweetie it's okay, you can cry all you want." _Cry into this shoulder for as long as you need, I'm here for you._

"She really loved me didn't she?" _Oh baby…_

"She does." _A lot more than it must seem like to you._

"But she messed up so badly." _So very much._

"She did."

"I don't want to feel angry about that but I just do!" _How I wish I didn't understand that first hand._

"It's perfectly normal, I was mad at your grandfather for so long." _Nearly 30 years._ "It's not a switch you can turn off, you just have to replace those feelings with good memories over time until one day you'll just be a little bit angry." _And who knows, you might even spend the Holidays with both Christina and your grandfather Paul and actually enjoy yourself._

"Promise?" _I can practically grant you this._

"Promise. Do you feel better?"

"I always imagined her as very soft spoken. Or with a raspy smoker voice and tattooed knuckles. There's a version of her that's this Donna Reid 1950's homemaker person that's perfect except for this one time she was hit on the head and forgot all about me. So she keeps baking non-stop because she's always thinking she forgot something and assumes it was the baking powder."

"How did the real one fare in comparison to those three?"

"She's a … person. Christina Rush is a person that actually exists. She looks a little bit like me and her repartee with you reminds me of what you and I have going on but she's more like a stranger. A stranger that knows everything about my first 7 months of life." _Hopefully that can change very soon Maze, dinner tonight was proof of that._

"If you let her she can know everything about the rest of your life. She's not disinterested, whenever we talk on the phone she always asks about you."

"She really wants to know me huh?"

"If I wasn't sure she did you wouldn't have met her. And she also didn't want to be back in your life until/if you showed interest in meeting her. To spare you as much pain as possible." _Sadly it didn't spare you all the pain, your voice is cracking a bit and I just want to hug your sadness away_.

"I'm glad I met her and she seems nice but I don't think I was prepared for this." _Damn it_. "I thought I knew what it was going to be like but then she was sitting next to me and actually answering my questions. She was real." _I tried to prepare you but you are so very stubborn. A Rush alright._ "And she wasn't telling me that she abandoned me because she had amnesia and had been baking compulsively for the last 12 years hoping to remember me someday. Or that my father is actually the Prince of Genovia. Or that an evil drug elf shoved pills down her throat. Or that she'd been stranded on an island since getting clean and during all this time she was planning her escape with Wilson. All possible answers I imagined are now obsolete. It's strange. I'd grown so used to making them up." _That is so my fault. I spent so much time thinking about how it would go with her and whether you'd like her it never occurred to me to ask you how you thought she'd be like. I could have started to shut down those versions of her gradually to help you._

"Some things I should have told you sooner but I didn't want you to grow up too fast. Part of me already thinks it was too soon today. You grow up so fast that a couple more months might have helped you digest all of this mess better." _Really how well can you take your mother telling you she was ashamed of her weaknesses and left you because of them? And hinting at her drug abuse? Why didn't I wait just a little longer to let this happen? I'm your mother, I should have known better._

"No mom, it's okay. I'm okay. I'd never have taken any part of this easy and if you'd made me wait longer maybe I'd have been more hurt. I think it was just the right time." _That still doesn't mean I'm going to stop wondering if it would have gone over better if you were 16 or 18. Even with you telling me it wouldn't._

"You think you can handle this again next month?"

"Heh why not? I've just gotten the hang of this whole period thing why not another monthly visit?" _A period joke now kid? Really?_

"This vist you can actually control when you get Maze…" _You could even put it off indefinitely if you think you need to process all this first. We'd both understand sweetie._

"I know. But I think I'm fine with the arrangement, I'm too old for kiddy birthday parties I'll just go to the movies with Gabe and have dinner with you later. Not much different from today really." _You're too old now, ok. No more princesses. And playing in swings. I think I going to miss that?_

"Ok, you call the shots Ol'Gal."

"Wouldn't that be nice Miss?"

"Want me to stay for a little while?" _You are still cuddled to my side since those waterworks came in, I hope that means you do._

"My head is too full tonight, I don't think I'll sleep a wink." _Ok._

"Do you want to do a movie marathon instead?"

"No I think I'd rather you read to me this again." _What are you trying to fetch from your book case? The Velveteen Rabbit?_

"Don't you think you are a little old for this?"

"I don't remember the last time we read it. Please mommy? I always feel better." _I don't remember it either. I also don't know when the last time you called me mommy was. I remember the first one; I was almost done feeding you breakfast, went to answer a call from work and you called for me from the highchair in protest. When I tried to correct you, you started crying. You knew I was going to be your mother before I did, the papers arrived two days later only. You also called me that when you finally learned to ride a bike. You looked so happy and proud and I was the one you wanted to share that with. And then one day a "mom" slipped and gradually replaced "mommy". I knew it would happen, it is healthy for you to be less and less attached to me, but I miss it so much! I can't believe I'm one of those moms now, what's next crying at your middle school graduation in a few months? The Ice Queen, so proud of her little girl she could weep? Absolutely. Discreetly of course._

"Ok, get back in bed and scoot to the side so that there's enough room for the both of us."

"You have to do the voices."

"Ok." _I was going to anyway._

"And no skipping ahead to finish it quicker."

"Fine."

"And-"

"You want to read this or not?" _Damn kid let me comfort you!_

"Please go on mom." _It wasn't a "mommy" but I think she meant it as one. Was I already this tired when I came in? I'm going to make the effort anyway, I don't know if we'll ever do this again. She is twice that size now but she is cuddled to my side as if she were 5 again. I think that was the year I took her to the office the most, we had the river serial killer to work on and a lot of late nights. She never complained, as long as there was paper and crayons she was off making a drawing for every desk in the floor. And then she'd fall asleep in my lap just as I was finishing up for the night and then Scotty would help me carry her to the car. She thought my desk chair was magic and teleported us home. And when she was still a toddler and would try to steal Vera's donuts? He'd feel so bad denying her one he'd give in and lost 10 pounds that year. The time Boss caught Scotty playing hide and seek in the archives with her while I was going through a case box and played along so she wouldn't feel like she'd done something wrong is still hilarious, he made Scotty go look for every case box we needed for the rest of the year…_

Lilly awakes to a vibrating phone in her robe's pocket. Not having had enough time to answer it she looks at the time and realizes she must have dozed off 30 minutes earlier. She carefully gets off the bed, tucking Masie who barely stirs in. Before she can call back she receives a text from Scotty.

" _Is this a bad time or are you asleep?"_

" _Was just dozing. I'm up now. Need anything?"_

" _I was in the neighborhood and figured you might want to talk. Or drink. Your choice."_

" _At half past midnight?"_

" _Since when are you not a night owl?"_

" _That depends. You bringing anything Valens?"_

" _I got some beers. You want me to come over?"_

" _Okay, use your key and not the doorbell, I don't want to wake Masie."_

" _Be there in 20."_


	4. Scotty

_Well here you are Valens, right outside the door. You've been here so many times over the years you didn't even look at your keyring to pick out the key. Is that a shadow on the other side of the glass? Is she waiting for me? That's the click, it's open._

 _Lil._

"Hey." _I needed to see you._

"Hey." _Did you smile a little? Did you notice the weight lifting from my shoulders when I laid eyes on you?_

"Can I come in?" _I'm already marching inside what the hell kind of question was this?_

"Drop the beer on the coffee table, you'll have to start without me because I had tea like an hour ago." _Don't mind if I do. Let me tap the can to make sure I don't ruin this couch. Ahh the sound. Lil sitting next to me on the couch is more comforting still._

"How she holding up?" _And how are you by the way?_

"As well as it's humanly possible for a girl that age." _That's our girl, tough as nails just like ol' Ma!_

"Think it's too soon?" _You did, she pressured you the way only a Rush can._

"She admitted she may have overestimated how well prepared she was for this." _Poor kid, for her to admit this she must be completely overwhelmed. Can't blame her_

"She ok with how it turned out?" _Should I have tried harder to convince her to wait a little while longer? 'Cause if that kid is up in that room tossing and turning over th-_

"I think she is." _Thank God!_ "There's some anger around Chris leaving and staying away after rehab was done but that was already brewing before. Like she wasn't enough to motivate her."

"We both know that's not completely true." _That day at the hospital Masie was the number one topic you yelled at her._

"Finding her in that hospital in Maryland after having her stomach pumped got her to try rehab again but I don't think she'd have gone through it without knowing there was a very disappointed little girl on the other side." _And a very disappointed sister too._ "And that maybe someday she'd forgive her if she earned it. But that's the one detail we agreed to leave out so Masie doesn't know it."

"Someday when she's older you'll tell her and she'll understand." _But real older. Like in her late 20's-30s._

"God when she's older. She's almost a teenager Scotty I'm not sure how much older I can stand her getting." " _Ahh mom talk, gotta be honest, it's a little hard to watch her grow up for me too._

"The older she is the more you'll experience with her." _At least this is what Dad used to say whenever Ma started getting teary at Mike and me._

"And the more will go away. I can't shop for her in the kid's section anymore and she wants to go to places alone by bus but tonight she called me mommy Scotty. I don't remember the last time it happened. For a second it was like she was a little girl again."

"And all yours." _Our girl… yeah I don't even care anymore in my mind she can be a little bit mine too!_

"Well, yeah."

 _The baby we brought home… God no wonder I think of her as my own kid sometimes! I was here for most of her life, most of the milestones, most of the pure childhood weirdness…_ "Remember that time she was 3 or 4 and got bored because we were busy with paperwork in the kitchen so she decided to march all over the place with underwear in her head?" _And decided we couldn't join her because we were being meanie-pants by working._

"The cool cats' club." _We were the square-meanies! That was it!_

"Poor mutants, she put on pair on each of them too!" _As if Olivia couldn't see badly enough yet._

"I felt worse for them when she had just learned to walk and started running after them, poor things could only find peace on top of the cabinets."

"We were right in this couch when she took her first steps. It's like I can still see her waddling over to me." _I swear she was calling me Dada too, just taking a little too long between syllables. So it sounded like da…da…da…da…*thump* and she landed on her butt in front of me with her tiny arms out for da…da._

"You were holding a cookie Scotty." _Let me have my cookie and eat it too woman!_

"Sure, blame the cookie and not my knack for childcare." _Kids love me dammit! I've been dressing as Santa for Christmas for family functions since I was 16._

 _That face changed, it's not wistful and nostalgic anymore she got serious, crap! What is she going to bring up?_

"She loves you too a lot you know? And rightfully so, you helped me raise her more than anyone else." _This subject. Ok. I love you two. With all my heart. And that brings me here, I needed you, I needed to make sure you were ok after the day you had and the dream I had._

"You'll always be mommy to her Lil, even if she stops saying it."

"She thanked me for that. Like what do I have to be thanked for? Loving my child?" _No but it feels nice to thank people for existing when they are important to us._

"I think she meant it like she's thankful you came into her life and raised her as your own."

"She also asked if I wished I'd had my own children." _Lil with biological children? What would that world have been like? Did she want them though? Is that a regret of hers?_

"Do you?"

"I had such a rotten childhood I guess I never really considered having my own kids, I think I was afraid I'd repeat history and turn into my mother." _You were nowhere near that._ "Then that weirdo upstairs was handed to me and I suddenly had a kid so I guess I covered most of the parent bits. Pregnancy doesn't seem too fun but I have wondered what it's like in the past." _Pregnant Lil? That would have been a nightmare at the office, she'd want to go out of the precinct until the due date. Might have looked cute with a bump. She's always beautiful anyway. And the office pools around that, the money I could have won or lost!_ "Can do without finding out about labor though." _You and me both, I've seen you in pain and I've seen you angry, I do not wish to see both at the same time_. "And the remaining bits I had with my daughter already." _Your daughter. It sounds so right when you call her that, screw your hypothetical kids._

"I'd would have loved to have had my own kids. Two, preferably a boy and a girl." _Marissa and Joey probably._

"There's still hope for you, you know? My ovaries are closed for business but you could be a dad well into your seventies or something?" _HA_

"I'm not interested in it happening now, I'd have to be madly in love with someone in child bearing years and I feel creepy dating much younger women." _And I don't want to date anyone I'm not in love with soooo…_ "No kiddos for me either _." I do regret that a little bit, I always thought I'd be a dad someday._

"Is that why you're so close with Gabe and Masie?" _You mean those crazy kids I love as if they were mine?_

"Well yeah if I can't have my own kids I might as well borrow someone else's for the fun bits." _And a couple not so fun ones, I don't mind those if I know I helped somehow in the end._

"Oh there are going to be plenty of those now, ever known the mood swings of a teenage girl Valens?" _Of a girl, yes. Of a Rush girl?_

"She's related to you, I'm not thrilled to find out-" _Oww she elbowed me in the ribs! What was I thinking when I said that?_

"Oww…" _Dammit don't let her see that that hurt!_

"Sorry." _Aww she almost meant it!_

"It's okay you just have really good aim." _To my already busted rib._

 _The serious face is back, dammit woman is there a switch somewhere for you to stop chuckling at my pain and go into Ice Queen mode? She's not in that zone either, almost looks vulnerable, Ice Queen Lilly is a force to be reckoned with. If anything those eyes are reminiscent of the day she got Masie's adoption papers, or the day she saw Christina at the hospital years later and wouldn't let go of my arm on the way from the room to the car._

"She's still mad at you for nearly getting yourself killed." _This subject again. I deserve this. The kid hasn't been quite the same since the shooting. And she's not she only one who is mad at me._

"I know." _It's there every time she greets me and doesn't run into my arms like she used to. I tried to pretend it was a puberty thing but I know better._

"But she loves you like a father and she wouldn't be this angry if that still weren't true." _I wouldn't be feeling this awful and dragging my sorry ass over here at this time if I didn't love you two like family._

"I scared you all good huh?"

"I thought I was going to lose you." _Oh Lil! Was that a quiver in your voice? It was! Barely noticeable, anyone but me would have missed it. I can't help myself I'm wrapping these arms around you, you need to know I didn't go anywhere and I need to know you are still here too._

"It was nice to wake up with you there. That hug hurt but it was great." _This hug we are sharing right now is much better though. No pain, no crying, just comfort… and just like that she breaks it and is in the Detective mode. She's going to pry it out of me, isn't she?_

"Wanna tell me why besides checking in on me you came here?" _I'm not going to say that right now when you are in no condition to handle it._

"Just that." _Let go. Please let this go._

"Liar." _I was a fool for believing she'd let go wasn't I?_

"Can't I check on my partner and friend after an emotionally charged day?"

"If you admit you still have nightmares you can." _Shit! Well… she's been shot too… no point in hiding these things from her…_

"I had one." _Done, next topic please!_

"Did you die in it?" _I so didn't want you to ask me this… I was fine but Masie was missing and you died in my arms. We were in the interview room and you kept asking where your little girl was and crying that she couldn't be left alone in the world and that you wanted me to tell her you were sorry you couldn't give her more, that you were sorry you were unlovable and you closed your eyes right before I had a chance to tell you how much I love you. How almost every silly little thing makes me think of you somehow and how lonely I'd be without you in the world, even if I can only have you as my best friend._

"No you did. I wanted to see you." _Make sure you were still in this world ya know?_

"Just see me?" _I could proclaim my undying love for you right now but after all you've handled today this doesn't seem like the time._

"And talk to you. In case you needed me."

"I think you need me too." _What exactly did you mean by that? That I need my friend or that I need the woman I'm helplessly in love with? Do you know? Do you return the feelings? Or were you just stating the obvious seeing as a just said I wanted to see you at this time of night?_

"You are right about that." _Whatever version it was at least._

"Of course I am."

"And that's why you are such a good partner _." Whipped that cocky idiot into shape all those years back and somehow managed to become that same idiot's best friend._

"You getting mellow on me Valens?" _For a year now yes._

"Just take the complement, you deserve to hear nice things today." _And every day. I'd happily say nice things to you for the rest of our lives if it got the amused little smirk you are giving me right now._

"Thank you. You are a great partner too." _That little smirk changed to a full blown smile. The honestly happy one I get to see from time to time, she just made- she's holding my hand? Not unwelcome or that unusual after the years we've had lately but this doesn't come from a place of needing support, I think she's just doing it because she felt like it. And she's still holding on to it._

"Anything else you wanna go over?" _On any other night with impromptu hand holding I'd probably consider bringing up that kiss we are ignoring but clearly meant. Sure we were drunk but upon that first contact I never felt more sober. And I really want to believe she felt the same. But now is not the time and I'm not going to put more stuff in her plate than what she already has._

"When you were shot, did you have dreams where you couldn't save people?" _She's already handled this subject after all. Tonight even._

 _The grip on my hand is stronger, she's taking a deep breath. Oh… the hand is gone now in favor of hugging her knees. I've seen this before, she might be very comfortable around me but whenever she feels a little too exposed she does this. Even if she's okay with sharing. Oh Lil maybe I shouldn't have brought this up af-_

"I did." _A little pained smile. My hand is on her shoulder before I even know it but she's relaxing into it._

"I know it means a lot for you to admit that to someone."

"It will only get better if you talk about it. I hate that doing that as much as you do." _No, I can't talk about this whole thing without telling her how it terrifies me that I almost lost her. Both when she was shot and when I was. My head spinning and nearly giving up and all that was keeping me conscious were two blue orbs yelling at me that I couldn't leave like the rest did. I swear to God I could hear Elissa telling me I couldn't die then, her voice telling me I was finally moving on and needed to be around for my family, maybe someday I'd even get the guts to make them my official family if I just lived. But I was so close to missing that chance that the nightmares follow me and I wake up in a cold sweat yelling for her, for them. But I can't risk that chance I'm so glad I still have, I need some sort of sign before I risk blowing this. It would break both their hearts and they are already dealing with the hurricane that is Christina._

"I shouldn't be pressing you with these issues today, you've had a hell of a day." _That look says she's not going to forget this topic but she's going to let me off the hook._

"It was much easier than I thought it would be actually. And if you don't want to discuss this with me you have to promise you'll go to counseling." _But it's all a sham!_

"But-"

"No buts. You are going." _Ice Queen glare. Ok you win._

"Dammit you really are a mom." _A terrifying one sometimes._

"She's coming back next month for her birthday." _I figured she would, it would be a strange date to miss if she's trying to create a relationship with the kid._

"Are you ok with that?" _Or better, do you feel bad about being apprehensive of this thing now that it has begun?_

"A little worried I guess, if she wants to have friends besides Gabe over I'll have to explain who Chris is somehow. I don't think anyone she hangs with knows I'm not the birth parent-"

"She's family. Done." _Quit overthinking this Lil, it will all work out._

"But what degree of family?"

"Doesn't matter, kids won't question it too much." _Doesn't matter, this isn't what actually worries you._

"I guess I'm just now realizing I'll have to handle my sister a lot more and I know there is going to be at least one time things are going to go wrong."

"And you'll move past them. You know it as well as I do."

"I guess I just needed the reassurance." _Awww, she's admitting she needed you. Dammit she's adorable sometimes, playing with that beer can so sheepishly, her eyes reflecting a gratitude she doesn't have to say._

"And Ma has already asked when she can have her over for dinner." _And you don't have to say you're not coming because it's an offer you aren't allowed to refuse._

"Of course she has." _She wanted to huff in annoyance but she chuckled a bit instead. Don't worry Lil, I'm not going to unleash my whole family on your sister so soon._

"I told her to wait a few months." _Maybe even a year._

"Waiting is great. Let's give her time." _If I didn't think so already there is my sign._

"Speaking of time I guess I should be going soon." _I came to see you, I saw you, made sure you were ok, had a chat, there's no excuse to stay longer I guess…_

"Valens you've had 2 and a half beers and it's past 2 AM, you're going to stay over." _You think I can't handle beer? It is against the law ok you are right, but don't you think I can handle calling an uber?_

"Nah, you've got stuff to handle." _I've intruded enough already._

"Were you planning on sleeping much?" _Busted._

"I mean I was going to try…" _And by try I mean I was going to skip rope until I was exhausted enough for sleep… doesn't take as long nowadays, this middle age thing is messing with me._

"I'm going to go fetch a blanket from the closet upstairs and we are going to finish this six-pack while watching bad TV on this very couch. Hopefully we are going to fall asleep before the infomercials start and I'll be on nightmare watch for you."

"And who is on back pain watch in the morning?"

"Unless you want to cuddle in my bed it's couch or floor partner." _Why did you mention your bed? Now I really want to sleep in there next to you and that thought wasn't even in my head. At the moment at least. Think of something else stupid! Change the subject!"_

"Won't this ruin your Sunday morning? Didn't you have something planned with Masie?" _You used to be really into chilling with her with some cereal and cartoons… she still watches them right? What was that fairy show she liked? I can't recall the name but it was emotionally heavy a lot of the time, hell it was better written than most adult shows! When the blue one discovered her whole family died in a hate crime while she was at fairy school? And the purple orphaned one told her she'd always have family as long as they were friends? I cried more than Masie at that episode!_

"Now I'm planning on eating Uncle Scotty's famous pancakes with her." _So there's some self interest in there too huh Rush?_

"You just want a cook." _Can't blame you, I'm great with Mickey Mouse pancakes._

"I don't mind your company either." _Why is she leaning towards m- Was that a kiss on the cheek?_

 _She's smiling. Like she thinks she got me or something! WHAT WAS THIS? Lilly Rush doesn't kiss people on the cheek!_

"Start zapping. I'll be right back." _And now she throws the remote at me and runs up the stairs like nothing happened! Like this was a normal gesture or something! It felt almost … domestic._

 _NO NO NO! You promised yourself you weren't going to go there tonight, she's going to return with a blanket and you will be bored by cop shows and maybe she'll fall asleep with her head on your shoulder. You will not rush something as important as your family. Isn't that what she is? What they both are to you?_

"I'm back. Ooo you found the cop show let's see if we figure out who did it before they do."

Lilly returns to the couch trying to act as normal as possible, not having realized she'd kissed Scotty until the 7th step on her way upstairs, nor understanding why. She sits next to him, they open the remaining two beers and toast with them before settling under the blanket, rolling their eyes at every dumb mistake they spot on the show.

From the corner of his eye Scotty spies her after she chuckles at one of his jokes.

 _I love you. And when the time is right I'll tell you with words._

 **The End. It took a while to finish this in between papers and I think the fairy cartoon show might be an exhaustion fueled mashup of Winx Club and the 90's anime Fushigi Yuugi but at last this is done!**

 **I'm working on a sequel story following every Christina visit from October to May but I'm very unsure when I'll have time to get around to writing it or if I should keep the POV gimmick, it was fun to experiment with but it can be a little limiting sometimes.**

 **Thank you for reading, this thing did far better than I was expecting for a fanfic of a TV show that has been off the air for 8 years.**


End file.
